Last night, I thought long & hard. I've come to realize, just about every relationship I've had has been total deceit. I mean, I know that's normally what you think after you break up with someone, but I mean, these relationships have all been completely fake.
Patrick - the boy I was head over heels in love with my freshman year. Come to find out he was dating me while having like 3 'phone relationships' with other girls.
After all that I felt for you, all the time I spent on you, everything. Up until about a month ago I used to always look back & know that my first true love wasn't just some disgusting lie. I can't even begin to explain how badly I want to hurt you. I wish I could smash your heart into tiny pieces. Maybe you'd know how it feels to know that you fell in love with a fukked up kid.


Andrew - left me for a girl
Stephen - left me for his ex
Matt - tried to cheat on me with his ex but she rejected him
Shaun - was dating another girl for 8 months previously before he started dating me, while still dating her
Gina - caught you cuddling with some other guy
Kuldeep - I hate putting you here, I love the shit out of you, but he left me for a much prettier girl
NATHAN - the most tasteless, insensitive, sleazy, lying little bastard I've ever fukking met. Lets just say he can't stay happy with 2 pussies.


I had a pretty intense, continuous cry last night. It was that type of cry where you're just gulping for air and dry heaving because of how remarkably upset you've become. I know I'm still completely young, and I've got time to find a true love, but it scares the hell out of me that I can't even think of a relationship where something didn't happen that was extremely fukked. Is this the broken world I live in today? People can't even regulate themselves at all? I know I'm not an angel either. No buts.


"Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly, But my wings have been so denied"

mood: disappointed music: Down In a Hole - Alice In Chains

Why can't I just go into a cocoon and come out a better, more beautiful, sweet person?
It would be a lot easier.




I want change.
I want a new love.
I want to do better....be better.
I want.....so many things.

I don't care how greedy I am. Its what I want.
Its rare for me to know what I want.
[wow, I think I've said that word enough]


I'm going to go for it.
I will get a newer, fresher start.
Things are going to be okay, I'm just keeping my chin up and loving the people that really are there for me.



Lets be best friends.

mood: sad music: Light Up The Sky - Yellowcard

   Funny thing. I was going to post yesterday on here about how much I feel like I lost my best friend, Morgan to her new boyfriend Adam. WELL today they broke up. I feel horrible about it all. I'm so happy that I get to have her back as my best friend 24/7, but I didn't want them to break up =/ I really hope I didn't jinx that one or something. Other than that, my Valentine's day was fucking great. Thank you to everyone who made it special for me. I really am grateful for that. My girlfriend makes everything amazing as well. She got me a promise ring! It's so beautiful! Also, she got me a box of chocolate and a big big card! It was so nice of her to do that for me. I got her a build-a-bear hehe, a shirt, a CD (Tori Amos), and a mix CD that I made her. <3 She liked it lots!

     "Nothing belongs here. Apparently it makes people feel shitty"


    Things are holding up okay in my house. I mean, everyone is just pretending everything is okay at least. It's better than everything being total chaos, right? =/
Mmm. It's raining right now. I wanted to go outside and 'play' but I don't feel like being in the miserable weather for hours. I can't wait to get out of Las Vegas dude. Oh boy. Next month I'll be quitting the GANJJJAAAAA & finding myself a job. Hopefully it doesn't take 2395723 years.

  I'm doing pretty well in school. I could be doing a lot better but it's definitely a jurastic change since the past years of school. I also like to read now. =D Yay.

  I really am excited about the future. I want everything to be awesome. No matter what difficulties or challenges I face, I'm always going to ponder how to get the best of the situation. There is no stopping me.

mood: cold music: Tool - Parabola!!!!!

Wow. I have so much to write I don't even know where to start.
well first off, my ex girlfriend, Charlee is back in my life. we're trying to be just friends since she has a girlfriend now. I honestly want that girl to be happy and I wouldn't try and take her from someone that makes her happy especially after how sudden our break up was (my fault). I miss the SHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT out of that girl though. I really hope some day we can be together again & she does too. its very complicated actually so I won't even go there
seems like its been awhile since I've been actually happy. I need a major change. This school year has been boring I have absolutely no memories except Charlee. she is the best one. My grades aren't bad but they aren't fabulous or anything. I wish the effort I put into school actually showed once in awhile. Its the tests that kill me. I really need to learn how to study before tests....
my mom and I have been on good terms lately. Just when everything in my life is bad things with her are actually GOOD for a change. Why can't we ever be on good terms when everything else is good? Morgan and I are growing apart majorly. I never saw this coming but I realized since people do change, which its me in this situation thats changing, things aren't the same anymore. I wish we could have what we used to because I really do miss it but at the same time I feel like maybe things will change for the better? =/ I really don't know.
I want my hair to grow already. Seriously it needs to GROW! Christmas is soon and I feel bad for asking for ANYTHING after the hell i've put my mom through this year. today we got a $200 fine from when I got caught stealing and she's been in a bad mood all day cause of it. I feel horrible and I wish there was some way I could pay it myself but I'm not even old enough to get a damn job yet. Once I am, I have a feeling it's going to be extremely hard to find one. Bleh. I really want a relationship with a girl. Its so hard to find a cute, sweet girl that lives in Vegas. I wish I could find one already! Mm, lately I've been dwelling on the past a lot and I wish that I wouldn't do that so much but I really can't help it. Seems like my life was funner and better and SO SO SO much more exciting when drugs were involved, it wasn't the drugs themself, it was the people and my personality and everything. I've turned much more mellow & I feel like I almost lost myself in a way. I know that sounds pathetic but whatever its how I feel and think. IT SNOWED YESTERDAY! I luhluh looooved it. I also realized at the same time that I don't want to live in a snowy climate when i'm older hahah. This week break starts on Friday and 2 weeks off! yay! I'm stoked. I don't care if I don't do anything I'm just happy to not be able to have to wake up every morning for school for a bit. :)
I hope things look up for me soon. They will of course, just very soon I hope!
Thanks for reading <3

mood: cold music: Self Against City

note to self:

never. date. your. best. friend.








The end.

mood: hopeful music: kmk :)

ah... man. I find myself sitting here tonight, traveling to the world of FUCK RELATIONSHIPS! why do people cheat? how can you deny the definition of 'amazing' in such a vulgar way? people are really starting to kill my mojo man. i don't think i want to be in a relationship. i don't even know why i bother anymore. I should just wait til i'm older because right now whats the point of one? i'm a bit naive right now....forgive me. the nerve of some cold hearted souls is just simply insane. but its also not. all were gonna say in the end no matter what is how fucked up everything was or is or is GONNA be. i need a fucking cigarette!!!

mood: cold

why do I constantly never. know. what. to. do....
why can't I just be happy with one person? 
why does everyone want to mess things up?
what AM I doing wrong?


>_<

mood: awake music: Aces High - Iron Maiden

I am completely head over heels in love with Patrick William Dobyns. Its almost been 7 months. First boy i ever loved....longest relationship. He fights for me no matter what. He has definitely proven to me that he is always going to be on my side no matter where he is. I really can't picture myself marrying anyone else except him. I sent him a quilt i made him today. I put a teddy bear along with it, heart shaped container of skittles (he loves skittles =]), and a three and a half page letter. oh and some stamps so he can send me a letter cause his broke ass can't even afford no stamps! ahaha. I really hope he likes his quilt though. I'm proud of it! Today me and him were listening to the CD i made him of all the songs that reminds me of him. We were singing to it at the top of our lungs it was cute. He makes me laugh like no one else. He can turn anything bad into something funny. I really adore him. Never leave my side baby...even though i know you won't. <3




besides that, my life is pretty good. I'm grounded....once....again... just like i always am when i decided to post on livejournal. Its 420 weekend too! =[ ah man. I'm still gonna find a way to get high though psssh! I know my girl will walk her happy ass down here and smoke with me so i'm not worried about that. In three days i will have been clean of 'hardcore drugs' for a month. If you knew how i was before you would definitely be proud. My mom and i are starting to not get along again. Just when things were going okay. Music is really setting my mood right now. I can't wait til summer. Its gonna be great. Hopefully i can make it through the rest of this quarter though. I've had my braces for almost five months. They aren't THAT bad but i can't wait to get them off and have pretty little pearly whites! I need a cigarette even though i just had two. Well i can't think of anything else to say. Have a nice day!

mood: bored music: Flypside - Angel